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Izabella

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[27 Mar 2005|12:32am]
[ mood | sad ]

i've listened to a couple songs that aren't from my favorite genres. like aerosmith and hanson. it's even funny when i stop to think about it...i kind of hate pop. well that song,penny and me (by hanson) really makes me sad. and since my sister won't stop listening to it soon,i hear it a lot.
i don't know if it's the melody... but those lyrics so make me sad. they make me wish i were penny. oh my god. i wish i were penny. i wish someone wrote me a song like that. if anyone at least wrote a couple of phrases,i'd be the happiest person in the world.

naah. sunday's here. i hate sundays.

13 deads  ♥ Just want to die

[25 Mar 2005|05:03pm]
today was a holiday so no class.

my sister and i started to find in the morning...so i kinda knew the day wouldn't get better. i kind of get my hopes high sometimes,and that's why i end up so sad later. i'm not gonna talk about that though.

i have a lot of work to do. i hate school. my grades aren't the best...i just guess i won't do anything to make them actually be good ones. i don't about the future anymore...i know i won't have to go to a college...i won't be in the future,that's why.

i guy killed himself on tuesday. he jumped from the bridge.we still could see the police officers looking for his body by the river on wednesday.... i saw that cause i had to go to the other side of the bridge the other day,which i usually don't. i heard the guy left a note to his girlfriend. i thought that was kind of sad. well it was sad! i wish i knew the name of the boy...i'll try to find out more about his suicide later.
 Just want to die

[20 Mar 2005|04:06pm]
since i decided to stay for the night i have more time to explain some things.

i hate sunday mornings. i hate them even more when they are sunny. we had a sunny sunday morning today...and the thing that made me feel worse is the silence. no noise coming from the kitchen... we could even hear the birds!
so even before cooking lunch,my mother went to bed. she usually does that when she's not feeling well. so my father made lunch for us. and my mother is still sleeping.
all because they've had an argument. they've been like this for weeks. my mother has told me things about leaving and now my father wants to do that too.
i found out some story about drugs and my sister. so it wasn't just the vodka.
i'll try to talk to my brother tonight...even though my mother doesn't want me to.
 Just want to die

[19 Mar 2005|06:51pm]
my brother moved out on monday. he got a better job in another city. i really miss him.
i think my sister is smoking. god she cannot belive how much it hurts me. no one can. i found out about that when i actually saw her smoking... i smelled smoke and askedd her,she smiled (a fake smile) and said nothing. i was left with no choice so i had to call my brother. he asked to talk to her but she was in the bathroom.
ok well i have a lot to talk about but i don't have much time so i'll go to the next topic: my mom. today my father told me she told him she wants to move out,too. i'm like "she wants to leave us??". i'm really nervous righ tno cuz i have no one to talk to now that my brothers not here. my sister and my mother are fighting all the time... i haven't hurt myself myself yet cuz i can't find anything to cut me...no good scissors damn.
right now my sister's not home. i know where she is...she's hanging out with a bunch of people who do drugs and are always getting drunk. omg i don't know what to do. i don't know....i just need to run away. i don't have enough money yet... but i'm not gonna steal some...i can't do that. ok i have to go. but first i need to talka bit about mom. she is not home righ tnow. no one knows where she is.... where is she?? shes gone......no she can't be. i just need to think a little so i won't do stupid things. one thing is for sure: i can't stay home. i wonder if my brother would take me to live with him...... that's the only place i can go i guess. and he's been my best friend. i never thought i'd say that about him....i miss him so much.
 Just want to die

[27 Feb 2005|09:57pm]
On tuesday i found out i had appendicitis. before that,i had had a painful time ...and the pain was unavoidable. so was the surgery. i had the surgery on wednesday but i stayed in the hospital from tuesday to thursday. i hate hospitals and i hate everything i had to "take" through my veins.

Since i came back,a lot of people have been coming to visit me. some of them bring me chocolate and ice cream...some of them make me wanna go back to the hospital.

My sister knows i'm overemotional (yes,i'm really sensitive) and specially now...but she won't stop bringing me down. I still feel the pain 'cause of the surgery...and it's worse when i cry but i can't help it. The cut in my stomach is pretty small though.

I'm missing a lot of things sive i'm not going to school. a play that i was supposed to be in,exams i should have done. i'm worried about it.I can't go to school...i still have to stay home for a week...and i have to go back to the hospital on thursday. i'm nervous.

I feel like crying every now and then but i was able to smile yesterday... i had a good time during the afternoon...thanks to Autumn.

I also have plenty of medicine to take now. It sucks... i just need Prozac. i want to tell my mother i need it but i don't want to explain why.Prozac is all i want.
1 dead  ♥ Just want to die

[21 Feb 2005|10:08pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

i feel like i haven't written in here for ages...and actually there's not much going on.
as i thought,classes aren't better then last year's and i've already "ran away" from the building....and i hate people there.
my sister is pretty annoying...i don't know what to do sometimes...i think about giving up every now and then, and there's someone i miss and need so bad. the worst thing is: i feel so embarrassed that i'm not capable to email this person or anyting.....what am i gonna do? i dunno. i feel so awful and lonely.

 Just want to die

[05 Feb 2005|08:59pm]
Last weekend i had the worst sunday ever.
When i woke up, i was told that we were gonna have lunch at my grandmother's house (which means my father's family) and i said i didn't want to go 'cause i kinda hate his family; so i had to tell my dad i wasn't going and he said "don't you worry,i'm not going either. it's yout mother's fault". I didn't know whether to be happy 'cause i wasn't going to my grandmother's house or to be sad.
Anyway after having lunch (which we had to have at home) my parents started fighting. Since my brother was at his girlfriend's my sister called him and he came home. I hate it when my brother doesn that 'cause HE starts fighting with my father and things just get worse. So my brother drove my sister,my aunt and cousin and I to the swimming club. Ok, now this is funny. We didn't want to have fun or anything we just *had* to stay away from my parents. So even though it was quite cloudy we went to that stupid club.
When i was there,I found out my closest friends were there at a barbacue. I felt kinda weird kinda left out 'cause they didn't even tell me they were gonna be there and even though they didn't know what was happening that day well nevermind. However we met that friend's brother and his cousin, and they are so funny that i almost forgot what was happening so it was quite a fun afternoon...then her mother came and..... she's awsome. she told me i can go to her house whenever i want to. The words i wanted to hear. Just what i needed...but anyway i just stayed at the club for the rest of the afternoon. My brother went to pick us up and we were going home.
When i got here i wasn't well. My mother wasn't here and my father was working....i wasn't really talking to him and i was angry and nervous 'cause of classes the other day so i got in the bathroom.
I needed to stay calm but i started crying. I was crying sooo much that i got all red; then i started to pounch the door so hard that there's even a mark there. Later that day we went to see "the grudge". I didn't like the movie but again i just had to not be home so that's why i went to see it.
The other day i woke up late for school (at 6:28 am) but hte rest of the week i woke up at 6 am so i would always go to bed early. I don't know for how long i'll be able to handle all this or to not fall asleep during the classes and i know i haven't written happy things here...i hate that fact. I've been to much into dark so far and my family is falling apart.

ps> Turtle isn't really good. My brother said he doesn't think she'll survive...
 Just want to die

[29 Jan 2005|11:14pm]
[ mood | what? ]

My turtle got sick last week and i'm really worried about her. I mean, turtles don't make any noise and don't don't cry so how are we supposed to know they're sick? She can't even swim anymore and she was pretty close to drown. Can you imagine a turtle close to actually drowning? It's weird and i couldn't even sleep...and that's stupid.
My classes start on Monday. I'm still going to the same place but i might get in a different class. Just the thought that i'll be among strange people scaries me but i hated last year's class so i just hope it won't get worse.
The day felt like i was pounched in my face...i hate that feeling.

 Just want to die

[16 Jan 2005|09:59pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

 Just want to die

[01 Jan 2005|09:01pm]
I feel like the most stupid person in the world; I'm desperate. I was saving money...not sure for what but i was saving money. I spent it on clothes (i'm so angry at myself rigth now) so i would have something to wear on new year's eve. Everybody was supposed to look fancy and i can't believe i ever cared about it. So now i don't have money, my first day of the year sucks and i feel miserable.
I think i might travel tomorrow to Rio de Janeiro. I'm not sure if i wanna go though...................................
 Just want to die

[25 Dec 2004|05:08pm]
i totally changed my mind. a week ago i hated christmas and now i kinda like it. it's a long story cos of my parents stuff.
anyways an aunt saved our christmas. she invited us to come over and it was one of the best christmas thing ever;
this cousin was playing on the comp and so were my sister and i. it's a game called counter strike...i don't know if it's common in the USA. basically you have to kill a lot of people.i suck at it.
there was this wine thing that really made me laugh yesterday. my cousin,my sister and i were drinking wine. lol at first we did it at once. sice my cousin (who's 12,like my sister) is not used to drink he started to say things that didn't make any sense!then we drank some beer and it was my sister's turn to (pretend to) be drunk. the food was nice,too.
i spent a lot of time in a room pretending to be watching tv cos i didn't feel like being around people.
we were home already when it was midnight and a neighbor was having a party so it was really noisy around here but i enjoyed some time online before my brother came in and told me to shut up and go to bed.
i'm gonna have to work at night...it's christmas and i have to work =( this is all so weird.
2 deads  ♥ Just want to die

[18 Dec 2004|02:36pm]

wow...stayed away for a while... just guess i should write some since there's nothing better to do.

  nobody knows what it's like to wake up wishing you just could not be here. i wish some day i would get up and actually be happy instead of wishing i was just dreaming...or having one more nightmare but it's reality.

 nobody knows what it's like to have parents that hate you and can't help saying you never do things right or enough. (ok....maybe some people do know) i told my parents to get me in a mental institution where people at least KNOW i'm not normal. because i am not.

 don't ever try to be nice with people 'cause you know they don't give a damn about you and you shouldn't care too much 'cause hurting (ha!) guess what it's fun!

 tonight i'll have to work for dad. i don't work and he says i never help him...i work and he says i'm doing it wrong. i'm tired.

 also there's my brother complaining we do everything wrong...

1 dead  ♥ Just want to die

[12 Dec 2004|09:31pm]
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

[Chorus:]
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

[Chorus]

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...</font>

   I'm not like that i just love this song...
 Just want to die

one of my favorite songs ever [05 Dec 2004|02:20am]
adam's song               
I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all

I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside

The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months, I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again

You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside

The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside

The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait 'til I get home
To pass the time in my room alone
 Just want to die

[04 Dec 2004|07:49pm]
My sister went to the movies ...to see the exorcist(wrong spelling...) so i have the house to myself now. actually she went at 7 pm so shes probably comin back by now. i told her if i went to see that movie i wouldn't sleep for the rest of the year! yea...thats true :$ wow i even turned the lights on now. i'm scared...

Talking about movies...i went to see 'taxi' with a friend and my sister on thursday. theres this brazilian "actress" in it. the movie wasn't that great i mean...jimmy fallon really made me laugh. god hes amazing. but the girls i went with really liked the movie they said it was great. i still think it's only ok...lol sometimes it reminds me of the matrix. i love the matrix...i miss neo.
 Just want to die

[04 Dec 2004|02:29pm]
[ mood | don't know ]

burn, motherfucker, burn

I watched fahrenheit 9/11 yesterday. didn't make me like bush more. i know i shouldn't get in the middle of politics,specialy when its not about my country but i hate bush.

murder

I got myself papa roach's CD!! i think that was the only thing that kept me thru the week...at least i didn't go to school. the cd is amazing. i'm in love with it.

this house is not a home

Since i'm not goin o school anymore i have to figure out someway to saty out of home. i dunno  how many times i've said that really...and i know its selfish but stayin here sucks and it hurts myself.

my job

It isn't that hard but i'm really nervous. i'm gonna start next year (february probably) and i'll work during the afternoons sice i'll go to school in the mornings. I hate ths school and i talked to my mother i wanted to go to a different one. thsi one i'min now it's a public one and if i changed schools i'd not go to a public anymore so my sister "asked" me to stay at this school 'cause my parents can't afford another one. oh well...guess i'll live the torture for one more year.

 

I hate being sensitive sometimes...

1 dead  ♥ Just want to die

[29 Nov 2004|12:00am]
I have to get up early tomorrow...its about the job. the lady thats getting fired has to tell me what i have to do it i guess. i'm a bit nervous and really tired.
I think i should go before i get kicked out of the comp.
Autumn,if you're reading this i'm sorry i couldn't talk later tonight...and you be happy ok? lol *hugs*
 Just want to die

[28 Nov 2004|12:57pm]
[ mood | excited ]

i hate my sister i really do. i dunno how many times i've said that but I HATE HER!
I was trying so hard to be happy and stop these stupid sad notes...and i will now but i just wanna make it clear that i'll never talk to her again.i hate her i hate her.

ok...well,as i was gonna say before my sister entered the room to piss me off: i am happy. it's so weird but i am.
an aunt called my on friday and invited me to go to Rio de Janeiro for vacations! i still have to go to my english school 'cause i'll have a couple of final tests but i'll be free soon. the bad thing about being out of this town is that i don't think i'll get to use the internet(unless my aunt's fixed her comp). if i really get to go to Rio it will be so much better. i mean,the beaches... the surf!! (lol i don't think i'll go surfin this summer 'cause well i know nothing about it) anyway it will be so nice to get out of this town.


yesterday,my sister bought me a nirvana shirt!! i'd never really had a shirt of any band i like and i really like nirvana so! yay

 Just want to die

[27 Nov 2004|05:54pm]
[ mood | angry ]

tired of my life. dying doesn't even matter now. nor does cutting. if i could i'd bleed to death right now though.


(i should stop posting songs here...)
"I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again"
this song makes me wanna jump and scream it. makes me wanna write every sentence in LARGE writing and finish them with "!"!!!!


ooh i almost forgot to tell that i might get a job next year!! as an english teacher *blushes*. the principal of my english course asked me on monday if i'd like to teach some students. i was like OMFG. i'll have my own money and i'll get out of this place! (right now that doesn't make me happy...i wonder why)

2 deads  ♥ Just want to die

[27 Nov 2004|04:55pm]
I feel just sick of everybody in here. (but ok,lets sound a bit happy now)
I'm finaly out of school...again i made my vacations 'cause it was just taking too long. From monday to friday i had a lot of exams. I guess i did just half of them. (the last one,a science one,i didn't do. it was weird...the teacher came right next to me and asked 'aren't you taking the test?'. I just said 'no and i'm not even worried about it') i'm never gonna forget her face.
My mom thinks it'll be better if i go to a different high school. It can't get any worse,right? Even though it's gonna be a place where i don't no anyone. I'd like to study in the USA next year...but (duhh)i won't.

Rainy day...i'd LOVE to spend it alone. I don't want to be so stuck in the weekends now that i'm no longer going to school...but i bet i'll feel like speeding up the time during the week.
Here's a song i listened to the first time on wednesday. I really like it.

scarsCollapse )
 Just want to die

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